Leaving a Legacy...

I typically don't get this personal, but this, too, is really bothering me, and I need some way of relieving the inner turmoil that it causes me. I feel that I have a good grasp on trying to be the best person I can be, not only for myself, but for my kids too. Even if all I amount to is second rate jobs for the rest of my life, I want it to be obvious to my kids that I love them and I have some qualities that they can look up to.

Extrapolating from that notion, I want to do the best I possibly can to teach my kids everything I can. Not just tell them, but to teach them and to show them the circumstances, events, and thoughts that made me the man they know.

I've never been particularly close to my father. My parents were divorced when I was going into third grade. I saw my dad twice a year growing up. I adored him. I always cried and cried the night after he dropped us off...particularly in the summer when I spent an entire month with him. I'm sure, in one sense, it tore my mother apart to see me miss him so.

Even then, he had to work when I would visit, so much of the time I'd either stay home alone or be dropped off at the YMCA for the afternoon. We'd have fun too, of course, but never in the sense where I really got to know him.

It was a few years ago, shortly after my grandfather passed away(his father) and shortly after my first daughter was born, that I realized that I didn't know my grandfather or my father very well, and I really wanted to. I started out first trying to have conversations about what my grandfather's thoughts were on things such as Muhammad Ali or other prominent, if not controversial, sports figures. But that quickly waned for a variety of reasons.

Then, for a New Years' resolution, I vowed to call my father weekly to learn something new about him. That lasted for about two weeks...again for a variety of reasons. I see him far less often now than I used to, and speak to him rarely. He seems to open up more when I speak to him on the phone...a fact that I used as an excuse to further let our "relationship" erode.

Then, I was given Hope. My newfound interest in politics(just the knowledge of at this point - not entering the arena) had sparked my desire to ask my father for his views on voting over the Thanksgiving holiday. It was the best conversation in years...even if all I did was mostly listen. It's all I wanted to do really...just soak up my father's viewpoints, whether I agreed or not.

Then, Hope was knocked down again. I know he's busy with work and taken care of his ailing mother that lives with him, but I called him at work to announce the birth of his grandson, and his secretary treated me like another client. He still hasn't called back to issue congratulations, or find out about his grandson, or how the family is doing.

I just currently feel at a loss...like something's missing...like some part of me is missing. I feel guilty saying that, because I have a great wife, two great daughters, and a new son...all who love me dearly. My mom adores me just as much as I adore her, but still...something's missing. How does a thirty-something year old man tell his father that he needs him, needs his advice, his companionship, needs him to pass his legacy on to his son? How??