Time Honored Tradition?

I was milling around on blogs today, since I've not been on in a few days, and came across one that was talking about getting married. More specifically, the topic discussed the author's feelings toward the sister's fiancée and his lack of speaking to the father before proposing to the sister. The topic hit close to home for me, and I felt compelled to comment.

Well, my comment turned into a dissertation, so I decided create my own post on it. Like the post about banning pit bull's, I wanted to keep the author's identity a secret. I respect other blogger's posts and understand a desire not to have their feelings critiqued on their own blog. This post may come off a little harsher than some of my previous posts, but my perspective is looking at the feelings of the most important people surrounding the topic of engagement...namely the groom-to-be and the wife-to-be.

At it's core, this moment is their moment, and my belief is that EVERYONE should respect that in the immediate moment...comments of concern should have either been aired out prior to this moment, or should absolutely wait until an appropriate amount of time has passed after the announcement of engagement.

Anyway, the sister called and told the author her news of being engaged. The author was not pleased and took the opportunity to voice their opinions to their sister during that very phone call. Among the concerns was that the engagement has caused angst among the family, and that love should cause heartache for the family...or something to that effect. To be honest, I began to tune out that part of the post the moment it became more about the family than the sister.

But I digress...another concern was that the lucky fellow didn't go to the sister's father and ask for permission before asking the sister. The author did say that after the feelings were made known, congratulations were given so that the sister didn't feel so alienated. Now I'm sure that it can't be easy to be in a close knit family and have your sister get married if you aren't a fan of the fiancée, but you'd think that someone would put the sister's feelings first and merely congratulate her first and then put the fiancée down in a subsequent phone call.

Now, if you can't tell, I've walked in the boyfriend, now fiancée’s, shoes. I come from a divorced family that wasn't very close and married into a very close knit family. So let me speak on behalf of the sister's fiancée for a moment, since I can feel his pain.

There were a few replies to the author, supporting their feelings, berating the fiancée who didn't ask the father's permission in advance. All I can say is that it's quite easy to play arm-chair quarterback and say that he should have done this or he should have done that.

First, it's not easy to ask someone you love to marry you. Any guy worth having goes through a variety of emotions when deciding to propose anyway...he will likely be excited, scared, hopeful, reserved, just to name a few...even if he's certain of a positive reply.

Secondly, to take it to the next level and ask for permission from the father is intimidating at best and down-right mortifying if the father already doesn't like you.

Thirdly, multiply that by ten fold if it's a woman that's very close to her family...especially if said man does not come from a close family.

It's scary as hell, and brave if you ask me, to dive head-first into a tightly knit family. Particularly if you feel that some of the rest of the family doesn't like you. I've been there too.

So let's discuss the antiquated notion of getting a father's permission before asking the daughter to marry him. The reasons for this custom range anywhere from Roman custom of a symbolic purchase of the daughter to the notion of women being recognized as property, first of the father, then of the husband. Most of these customs are ancient and borderline offensive to modern day women in their first origins. But many people these days, who have not considered the custom's origins, would call it a sign of respect.

I'll certainly fess up right here and admit that I did not ask my wife's father for his permission until after I asked my wife. Call it what you want, but I knew his feelings on the topic already, being six years my wife's senior, and whether he gave permission or not, I was going to ask my wife anyway. She thought it would be important to him, so I did it for her, but as to the notion of it being a sign of respect...bah. If he didn't respect me before then, then one gesture won't change that feeling....and if he did respect me, then his mind should not be changed with the absence of one gesture.

If respect was earned with one gesture...then why not a gesture such as...the fiancée is working three jobs so that his bride-to-be doesn't have to work and can finish school? Or how about inspiring a daughter to "clean up her act" and begin living a healthy life rather than with reckless abandon. Or if respect was lost with one gesture...certainly a gesture such as physical abuse or criminal activity is much more dire than merely asking for permission to marry his daughter! Ah what a world we would live in if respect was won with one gesture.

Would I have liked to be traditional and ask him first? Sure...I'm basically a traditional guy...heck I even refused to buy my wife an engagement ring that was anything other than the traditional round-cut diamond. Would she have liked me to ask her father before I asked her? Probably, for tradition's sake. But by not asking him first, she didn't respect me less or love me less...so I know I found the right woman.

Let's move on to the topic of professing one's feelings about the other's fiancée immediately upon hearing the news of the engagement. As I've stated earlier, I think that the moment of announcing an engagement is meant to be a special moment between the two fiancées. Any qualms, issues, or feelings from others should be kept to themselves until the two fiancées have had their moment. Besides, if the family has raised the daughter or son the way they should have raised them, then this moment will only happen once in their lifetime...and anyone "raining on the parade" is just being selfish.

Of course everyone has a right, to look out for their family. One person even stated that the author has the responsibility to let the sister know how they feel. I don't argue that everyone should look out for their family and that family members should know how their loved ones feel about the person they are dating/marrying. However, even family concern has its time and its place. And unless they are calling from a chapel in Vegas to announce their engagement and wedding, then there is plenty of time to voice concern. Show some respect, get over yourself, and let them relish their special moment.

And finally, the author understandably didn't explain all the feelings that the family had about the sister’s fiancée, but I can only assume from the picture that was painted that, this guy is good to the sister, he has no intentions of pulling her away from her family, and he loves her.
Short of being a Kennedy, I am not sure what else someone would want from a brother-in-law.